Country/Western Song Kit
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I met her
on the highway
in Sheboygan
outside Fresno
at a truck stop
on probation
in a jail cell
in a nightmare
incognito
in a treehouse
in a gay bar
in September
at McDonald's
ridin' shotgun
wrestlin' gators
all hunched over
poppin' uppers
sort of pregnant
stoned on oatmeal
with Merv Griffin
dead all over
.
I can still recall
that purple dress
that little hat
that burlap bra
those training pants
the stolen goods
that plastic nose
the Stassin pin
that creepy smile
the hearing aid
the boxer shorts
she wore.
She was
sobbin' at the toll booth
drinkin' Dr. Pepper
weighted down with Twinkies
breakin' out with acne
crawlin' through the prairie
smellin' kind of funny
crashin' through the guardrail
chewin' on a hangnail
talkin' in Swahili
drownin' in the quicksand
slurpin' up linguini
in the twilight
but I loved her
by the off-ramp
near Poughkeepsie
with her cobra
when she shot me
on her elbows
with Led-Zeppelin
with Miss Piggy
with a wetback
in her muu-muu
and I knew
no guy would ever love her more
that she would be an easy score
she'd bought her dentures in a store.
that she would be a crashing bore
I'd never rate her more than '4'
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore
it was a raven, nothing more
we really lost the last World War
I'd have to scrape her off the floor
what strong deodorants were for
that she was rotten to the core
that I would upchuck on the floor
;
I promised her
I knew deep down
She asked me if
I told her shrink
The judge declared
My Pooh Bear said
I shrieked in pain
The painters knew
A Klingon said
My hamster thought
The blood test showed
Her rabbi said
I'd
stay with her
warp her mind
swear off booze
change my sex
punch her out
live off her
have my rash
stay a dwarf
hate her dog
pick my nose
play "Go Fish"
salivate
forever;
She said to me
our love would never die
there was no other guy
man wasn't meant to fly
that Nixon didn't lie
her basset hound was shy
that Rolaids made her high
she'd have a swiss on rye
she loved my one blue eye
her brother's name was Hy
she liked "Spy vs. Spy"
that birthdays made her cry
she couldn't stand my tie
;
But who'd have thought she'd
run off
wind up
boogie
yodel
sky dive
turn green
freak out
blast off
make it
black out
bobsled
grovel
with my best friend
in my Edsel
on a surfboard
on "The Gong Show"
with her dentist
on her "WorkMate"
with a robot
with no clothes on
at her health club
in a Maytag
with her guru
while in labor
You'd think at least that she'd have said
I never had the chance to say
She told her fat friend Grace to say
I now can kiss my credit cards
I guess I was too smashed to say
I watched her melt away and sobbed
She fell beneath the wheels and cried
She sent a hired thug to say
She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
I pushed her off the bridge and waved
But that's the way that pygmies say
She sealed me in the vault and smirked
goodbye.
Washington Post's Style Invitational 2003 Winner:
Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
Tyler Akins <
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